"One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Addiction is about holding onto a belief/wish that you can go back to that first time you used a drug, when it felt so good and there were no adverse consequences. With an eating disorder, we have a similar distorted belief: I hold onto the belief that some day, I will be able to go back to the beginning, when I was a kid, and I went on my first diet, lost weight, and got everyone's approval. I tend to forget where this led. Since then, no "diet" has ever led me to anything but illness and loss of control. In taking the first step, I remind myself that if I keep doing what I've done, I'll get what I've always gotten: my eating disorder will lead to the same, devastating results. No, this time it won't be different. I see the illness behind the voice that says, "this time, I will do it, and soon I will be the thinnest ever, and then I will be happy and life will be perfect." I remind myself that restricting is not a magic cure for my soul; it only has two results: 1) I end up bingeing or 2) I get sicker and die."

"The smell of fresh coffee in the morning, hipbones poking out when I lie down in bed at night, the feeling of ribs under my fingers, the smell of books, the first cigarette of the day, the stillness of a library, the feeling of eyes following you as you walk, the dull roar of hunger in your stomach, the sweetness of freshly picked strawberries, the feeling of the sun on your face as you run around outside, the way music can argument an experience, the way music can make you happy when you're sad or sad when you're happy, the way smoke trails up into the sky when you exhale it, the feeling you get after you've been running for a bit and you can't feel your body but you could be flying, the first stretch of the morning, the moment your toes meet the cold air when you poke them out from under the comforter, getting greens on a bowl, the sound of a hooak when you're taking a drag, a first kiss, a last kiss, friendship, love, hate, desire, life."